POBLACHT NA hÉIREANN
THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT
TO THE PEOPLE OF IRELAND
IRISHMEN AND IRISHWOMEN: In the name of God, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Yoda and of the dead generations from which she receives her old tradition of nationhood, Ireland, through us, summons her children to her flag and strikes for her freedom once again in 2016, seeing as we made such a balls of the first 100 years.
Having organised and trained her manhood in open military organisations, like Foroige, the FCA and FÁS, and through a recognized international military torture programme called the Leaving Certificate, having patiently perfected her discipline, having resolutely waited for the right moment to reveal itself, having hid at the back of the garden for well over a fortnight, she now seizes that moment, and supported by her exiled children in America, Australia, Dubai, Kentucky, Brussels, Angola and the International Space Station, and by gallant allies in Europe (apart from the Greeks obviously), but relying in the first on her own strength, she strikes in full confidence of victory, or at the very least, a respectable draw.
We declare the right of the people of Ireland to the ownership of Ireland and to the unfettered control of Irish destinies, to be sovereign and indefeasible (apart from gas, water, broadband etc etc). The long usurpation of that right by a foreign people and government has not extinguished the right, nor can it ever be extinguished except by the destruction of the Irish people (and/or possibly the EU/IMF). In every generation the Irish people have asserted their right to national freedom and sovereignty; six times during the past three hundred years they have asserted it in arms and we all remember when Ray Houghton asserted it with his head in 1988. And he’s Scottish! Standing on that fundamental right and again asserting it in arms in the face of the world, we hereby proclaim the Irish Republic as a Sovereign Independent State, and we pledge our lives and the lives of our comrades in arms (including keyboard warriors) to the cause of its freedom, to the cause of Lyon’s Tea (or Barry’s if you are in Cork), to the cause of salty cheese and onion crisps and all the other shit we reminisce about after we’ve been forced to emigrate again due to the rank incompetence of our elders.
The Irish Republic is entitled to, and hereby claims, the allegiance of every Irishman and Irishwoman. The Republic guarantees religious and civil liberty, equal rights and equal opportunities to all its citizens, even Protestants and gays, and declares its resolve to pursue the happiness and prosperity of the whole nation and of all its parts, cherishing all of the children of the nation equally apart from itinerants and asylum seekers, who will still be treated like shit, unfortunately.
We place the cause of the Irish Republic under the protection of the Most High God, or one of the lesser God’s if the Most High one is too busy, Whose blessing we invoke upon our arms, and we pray that no one who serves that cause will dishonour it by cowardice, inhumanity, or by starting a boyband and embarrassing us again in front of the Brits. In this supreme hour the Irish nation must, by its valour and discipline, and by the readiness of its children to sacrifice themselves for the common good, prove itself worthy of the august destiny to which it is called. So fair play to them all for heading off to Australia for a few years while we get our shit together.
Signed on behalf of the Provisional Government: